Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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