Someone shit on the floor
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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