I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
