before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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