i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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