Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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