My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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