my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i think i have herpe
just one?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
