I want to have your abortion
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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