Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he fucked my hip out of place.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
