I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
