My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
