Where did you get a picture of my penis
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
