Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
