forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
