We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Randomize
