He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
