I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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