I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
