you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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