I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
