I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
