She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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