Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
