i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
