i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
