you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
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some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
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You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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