I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She said her name was "party"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
