I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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