I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
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Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
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There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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