Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
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He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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