it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
