Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
