Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
