The police scanner is talking about you again....
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
