just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
