My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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