I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
