:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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