You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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