Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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