You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
