I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
