Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize