it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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