When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
