I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
