So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
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FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
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Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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