If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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