his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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