By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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