There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
