she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
